Tired.Hurt.Fearful.Exhausted.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

WARNING: This may be hard to read. It's my raw, hitting rock bottom place. The place where all my exhaustion, anger, frustration has come to a pinnacle. Can you even fathom what rock bottom looks like when you are stuck in a third world country with your child stuck? Can you comprehend the hurt? Fear? Anger?

At this point I am Tired. Hurting. Fearful. Exhausted.
Life is hard for everyone at one point in time or another. These last 6 months have been my hardest points... let alone the last 4 weeks.


here in Addis.

Tired of
... living in a hotel with a two year old.
... not having an easy place for him to run around.
... not being able to cook my own food.
... not having clean laundry.
... of walking three flights of stairs to get to my room.
... having not having a BIG SALAD at lunch & just green food in general.
... trying to stay positive.
... extremely hot or extremely cold showers.
... not feeling connected.
... not having my people.
... not being able to just watch a movie.
... sleeping without my pillow.
... having bad internet.
... crying.
... hurting.

Hurting because
... it feels like God is not hearing me.
... it feels like God is not listening.
... it feels like God does not care.
... I am so far from my other four babies (8,369 miles to be exact).
... I am spending Mother's Day away from my kiddos.
... I am missing my kids last days of school. Missing these sweet moments of their lives.
... I may not make it home for Ty's birthday in July. I promised him I would never miss another birthday of his and I am not sure I will fulfill that promise.
... some of my children back home are worried I am never coming home.
... I feel lost.
... I feel desperate.
... I feel alone amongst some amazing people.
... I am fearful.

Fearful since
... I don't know when I am going to be getting back to the states.
... I am not sure I will be even taking this sweet little boy home with me when all is said and done. Yes, we are his legal parents, but that does not seem to matter in this moment with the Ethiopian government. They are not adhering to our court decree.
... my husband does not have an income in about 16 days (remember we are supposed to move to Minneapolis to plant a church and we have not been able to fundraise because we did not receive our final fundraising paperwork approval until we were already on our way to Ethiopia & have had no way to sign everything) and I am stuck here trying to figure out how to make ends meet back home.
... there is nothing that we can do about the suspension.
... it feels like I have done something wrong and am being punished.
... it feels as if I am not getting something right.
... this may not even be the bottom. I could fall even further.
... I am exhausted.

Exhausted because
... nothing is falling into place.
... I am stuck in Ethiopia.

This what I am feeling here in Ethiopia. Tired. Hurting. Fearful. Exhausted. I want nothing more except to understand what God is directing us through in these moments and to move past these times. I do not need people to tell me that God has a plan and a purpose. As a matter of fact, there are only a few families that I know that have gone through what we are in right now... those are the only people that can tell me that in this moment because they lived it (I have thought of each of you so much through this process and it has kept me going when I want to lose it completely). 

Hitting rock bottom is awful. BUT what if these isn't the bottom... what if there is more? Tired. Hurting. Fearful. Exhausted. If you have been in my situation, you get it. If you have never been in my situation, there is no way you can possibly understand my feelings and fears. This weekend is difficult. As we walk towards another week where I was told that things do not look good. It is heartbreaking.

I miss my kids back home.
I miss simply being together.
I miss the comfort that I have known in the past.
I miss my life.


3 comments:

  1. My prayers for you continue Summer. I can't imagine what you're feeling. I don't have anything insightful or helpful to say. I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray for you often as well. Even though you may not feel it, you are strong and very brave. Sending much love to you today.

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  3. can only try to imagine the pain and frustration you are in. I really feel with you in this moment. I was so much blessed by you. I learned to know you a little while I stayed in the same hotel as you. You impressed me with your heart, your love and your personality. And your writings really has touched me! One thing I can say: At the bottom, I pray that you will sense Jesus there to help you in your despair. There is only one thing to do: to throw all your anger, frustration and despair to Jesus. He is the only one to meet your emotions deep inside in this situation and the only one who can bring real comfort. Hebr 4:15-16.

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