doubt showed up... so did Jesus.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Just when doubt entered, God seems to once again show up.

My earnestness of prayer has deepened significantly.  It has become a necessary, priceless time that I spend with Jesus.  It has began to shift my view as to how deeply I hear and am able to communicate with God.  The simplicity of my change is to simply sit and listen.  To widen my heart and soul to simply hear God.  To hear what He choses to reveal in my heart and soul... in the quiet moments of great beauty and preciousness of our relationship, a deepening and desperation is happening.  In those quick times of revelation, it catches my breath and I sense freedom.

After feeling utterly defeated last week when we found out that our referral could, and had a strong possibility that it would take up to 12 months, I began to pray and ask for peace, and maybe some understanding.  Even the smallest tinge of understanding.  I sat in silence and heard nothing.

Doubt set in.
My heart sank.
I questioned our adoption.
Still asking for peace, understanding and now assurance.
Because I was doubting.
Was this what we were supposed to do?  Adopt again?

On Tuesday, during my morning of quiet listening prayer, I worked up the courage to boldly pray for our adoption.  More specific, the fundraising part of our adoption.  How do you ask for help when things seem so far off?  How do you ask people to come along side of you and ask them to help you fund something when you will not hear any news for about another year?  How could we fundraise with this extremely hard timeline?  {once you start fundraising... everyone asks if you have heard anything & my heart was hurting}.

So I prayed and asked God what were we supposed to do with this next step, very specifically asking if we were to make our fundraising efforts known to others.  What God showed me was SO CLEAR.

I heard, "No.  Pray."

It's difficult knowing exactly when I made peace with our new timeline.  I suppose it was shortly after I was told about the referral wait time, realizing that there is nothing we can do to make things go any differently, nor is there anything our agency can do to change this timeline.  Even as I type this, there is doubt swirling around in my head and heart.  My heart aches at the time that we will spend apart from our daughter who we will not know her face for another 12 months.

I continued to pray for an affirmation of hope.

Then an affirmation came in the form of a monetary blessing.  It was a late night email check.  The simple words "new donation received" from our Adopt Together account.  My heart felt weary.  For reasons I cannot describe.  We are not even that far into the process and I was weary.  That even bothered me.  That I was feeling weary.  Opening the email, I sat in SHOCK.  UTTER SHOCK.  I thought I read the email wrong.  I asked my bigs to read the amount to me.

I sat lifeless.

How could I have doubted what God had called us to do?
How could I have questioned the timing of all these things?
Was my faith so small that I had to have something this big happen?

Todd was in an elders meeting, so I texted him a screen shot of the email.  SHOCK.

I texted my sister-in-law, the greatest prayer warrior, and she respond with this: "This is so encouraging.  Obviously God wants Elf [side note: Levi wanted to name her Elf, after watching Elf at Christmas... thus the name.  It is now what my sister-in-law and I refer to her as] home, and it solidifies that God provides during fundraising."

God wants her home.  As Todd put it, that donation is a game changer for us.  He wants her home.

After sharing the good news with my dear friend Kara, I got this back: "God sees you and hears you.  He sees your daughter and hears her too!!"

He hears her.  He knows what she is dreaming, thinking, and holding inside.  Oh how my heart broke into a million tiny pieces.  Todd told me, when I began to doubt, that she needs us to fight for her.  We are fighting for our daughter.  She is waiting for us.

God gave me this verse this morning.  Exodus 14:14, "The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."  (Lets just marvel at the silent part for a moment.  Such a beautiful affirmation of my hearing what God clearly was communicating.)  This verse will mark the journey towards our girl.  He is fighting.  He is fighting for her.

Click on our ADOPT TOGETHER.  Count the zeros for yourself.  This is the second time we have had a large sum of money anonymously donated... so thankful that I just found out that Adopt Together will pass along a thank you note for me.

Adoption is a BEAUTIFUL MESS... and completely written by Jesus!

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