being vulnerable.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

being vulnerable is hard.
i am sure it is difficult for everyone.
it is deeply hard for me.
admitting hurts and pain isn't easy.
it never has been.
most of my life i have hidden my struggles.
from a lot of people.

but after reading RECOVERING REDEMPTION by chandler & snetzer i am inclined to be a little more vulnerable about personal hurts and struggles.  (i highly recommend this book.  it seriously has changed my life in a way no other book, that isn't the bible, has changed how i view life, redemption, and hope).

we are currently living in and serving in a beautiful community of homeschool families.  it is seriously so breathtaking to me.  they are a true community.  a community of believers.  supporting one another.  lifting one another up.  encouraging one another.  and specifically within our church; it is saturated with homeschooling families.  precious homeschool families.

i wanted to be like them.
to be doing life in the trenches with them.
to simply homeschool my littles.
to love on them from home.

{please know that todd and i are NOT against public school.  we are NOT against homeschool.  we are NOT against christian schools.  period.  we believe that everyone has a choice and NO ONES choice is wrong.}

so we started to plan towards that idea of homeschooling.  we even knew what we were going to do with homeschooling.  we knew what curriculum.  we knew what groups we were going to be joining. we just knew.

but really.
we didn't.

about 1 1/2 months ago i started to really see my inabilities.  they are NOT ladened in fear.  trust me.  they are true inabilities in this moment.  i struggle with depression.  (there i said it.  it's out there.  it's real.  it's hard.  and God is healing my daily.  always has been.  i started talk therapy when i was 9 years old.  i have been getting help ever since... there is your public service announcement.)  i allow stress to affect me and my circumstances (which things are forever changing and it is hard right now).  it is debilitating.  it's been this way since i was in high school. i started to notice some old habits coming back.  BUT i also saw some self-regulating things coming naturally.

(insert time of self-evaluation).   what was i going to do?  why was i feeling like this?  how was i going to make these thing change?

todd and i began to talk.  i began to share my heart behind the hurts i was feeling.  the stresses i was beginning to experience.  i began praying.  evaluating.  and then there was something that i simply could not shake. it was the idea that i needed to be my kiddos mom & not their educator.

there it was.
i prayed for clarity.
i begged for clarity.
i could not get it out of my heart and mind.
it wasn't in the hard times i felt this.
it was in the good times.

i knew change was about to take place.

two things were said to me when i shared the news with two amazing moms.  each backed me 100%. first one affirmed me when she told me that she knew she needed to simply be mom to her 3 adopted sons.  the next came from my bestie who said she felt that God wanted my "yes" in homeschooling, but was directing me another way and needed my obedience there as well.

now please understand, if we felt directed to homeschool, i believe that God would have given me everything that i needed to do that as well.  but it is not where God has us right now.  he has levi in a great kindergarten class that the teacher wants to meet with me and talk about how she can walk this year with us.  titus's teacher cried with me as i realized he was my hardest child to let go of this year.  jeremy's teacher (a guy teacher which he always does best with) has harry potter all over the walls (jeremy just finished book #7 yesterday).  ash's teacher is so understanding of her test anxiety that she has already told ash that she can take tests at lunchtime/ recesses/ sit next to her.  told her that if any other the other teachers don't listen to her (she rotates classes) to come to her and let her know.  i could not ask for a better circumstance.  so God has us here.  in this moment.

we walk with Jesus daily.  begging for clarity and understanding.  each of us as moms are trying our best to do what is right for our children.  we are trying to keep sanity in our hearts, minds, and homes.  we fight hard for our children in different ways.  none of those ways wrong; they simply look different.  i want a home that has a sense of ease within its walls.  a peace that oozes from within... that rushed deeply over the hearts and souls of my children.  i want them to have a childhood that is different and wonderful and amazing... not easy, because that is not real life... and i cannot give them that by simply being their educator.  i need to be healing platform.  we need to grow as a unit without that hanging over us.  i know this year will be filled with a whole lot of different, however... we are following Jesus.  we are striving to have our children be completely emerged in who God wants them to be.

if you do not have adopted kiddos, you may not completely understand my need and my urgency.  and that's okay.  (if you know me... you know that this is NOT LIKE ME AT ALL).  but i am fighting for my kiddos.  harder than you can ever grasp and understand.  if you walked daily within the walls of our home... you may get a glimpse... but unless you jumped inside my head (which i do not recommend) there is no way to "get it".  but please, lets not pretend that we grasp each others circumstances completely.  because even if we walk similar journeys, they are still different.

i have a public school education.
todd has a public school education.
& we still love jesus.

 this is last years picture.  wait until tuesday for this years.
the changes these four have made are phenomenal.

1 comment:

  1. So glad that God has shown you the way and given you clarity. He knows what is specifically best for your family. My He continue to increase your confidence in His leading. I think it is so important that your home is a haven for your sweet kids. So important. :)


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