a year that changed my life.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

oh how life seems to slip quickly through my fingers.  days of not writing turn into weeks and into months.  and quicker than i can imagine… one month turns into two months.  it truly is tragic for me.  i enjoy writing.  i love sharing what God is doing.  how he is moving in our family.  how he is making all things new right before my very eyes.

{it is beautiful}.

this week has been wrought with fear and anxiety (another story for another day), but it has birthed something even greater.  something that i have not done in the past.  over the last 5 years, when tragedy strikes, i always worry.  ALWAYS.  but not this time.  this time i have sought God in a beautiful way.  the way i am supposed too.  is worry still there?  yes.  but did i give it to God?  yep.

in that… if you know me even a little… you know how huge that is.  you know that i tend to make things worse with my thoughts.  i assume the worst.  and believe that everything is the end.  BUT GOD (todd's two favorite words in scripture) has given me so much more as we have walked gracefully through our last year.  he has rocked my faith to the core.  brought me to my knees time and time again.  he has helped me stand.  he has carried me.  he has changed my life.  greater than anything i have ever experienced before.  EVER!  and that is saying a lot given the hurts and experiences my life has dealt my family.

so i stand before you and say this.

God is big and he is also healer.  he is both powerful & compassionate.  he continues to transform our beautiful family.  when we brought our very scared boys home a year ago… i had NO IDEA their hurts.  i didn't understand their fears.  or their tragedy.  BUT GOD allowed us to help coax it out of them.  and we have seen the beautiful benefit in that.  i also have come to understand how rare it is that our boys opened up so quickly to us.  he has taken my gift as a listener and used it to help the boys.  my years of youth ministry have paid off.  i can keep calm in the face of hard/ harsh words.  (thanks girls for coming to me with you issues.  it prepared me for my sons.)

God has shown us so much grace and mercy.  as i was able to finally share with a few women last week, i have been so removed from "real life", or what i thought was real life that i had a hard time recognizing myself.  i had this identity within ministry.  i was proud my entire family was involved.  i loved that i rarely missed a mid-week/ sunday morning "thing".  but the removal from ministry, as i was reminded on friday, is temporary.  it is simply a season.  it brought me to think and process where i was.  yes it is hard.  yes i struggle because if feel alone.  however, it is but a period and something i NEED to do in order to allow God to remind of his grace and mercy.  he has BLESSED us beyond what we can understand.  he has allowed me to see what true sacrifice looks like.  to be reminded of what purpose is and what matters even greater than simply doing stuff, but rather doing "stuff" with eternal purpose.  i am not sure i can do anything again unless it has that purpose for eternity.  i am pointing 4 little people to Jesus so he can rescue souls & capture hearts.  there is nothing greater than that.  nothing more meaningful in this moment.

God's love.  he has bestowed it upon our family.  he has showered titus with it beyond measure.  a year ago… titus was my hardest kiddo.  i kid you not, he is by far my easiest child now.  he is so sensitive.  compassionate.  and God is growing in him a beautiful gift to simply know when someone is having a hard day.  not by the look on their faces, but simply because God is growing love in that little guy that is rare.  yesterday, he could tell i was down.  he walks over to me, while i was sitting on the couch, and asks if he could just sit with me.  he must have sat for 30 minutes holding my hand while everyone else played.  if you were privy to our lives (our dark lives) a year ago, you would have never imagined that it would look like this.  almost every day.  you see… God has taken the hurts of my boys hearts and given them love in a way that is so beautiful.  so poetic.

but here is what you do no know & cannot understand.  our boys have seen hell.  they have seen tragedy after tragedy.  they know things that know 4 year old or 6 year old should know.  BUT GOD spared them so much.  here is what we do know.  here is their story.  (i have permission from them to share… that is so important to me).  their lives are precious.  they are wanted and sought after.  they are amazing & silly little boys.  who were born in a tribe of people who were dark.  their parents were beautiful people.  they loved their sons DEEPLY.  (both boys attest to the love that they remember from both mom & dad).  they remember tribal dances.  walks with mom.  mom feeding levi when he cried.  no matter what.  he cried.  you fed him.  it's what you do.  they remember being carried (the way most african woman carry their kiddos).  and laughter.  but they also remember fear caused by others.  the tragedy of death.  of being hurt by other people.  and their dad defending them.  they recall being shamed by people who called them witches.  BUT GOD allowed them to have the most beautiful relationship with their parents.  even when they were in the orphanage… their dad fought for them.  he told them it was okay to love us.  that we would love them.  BUT GOD!!!  he did these things.  to create two little souls perfect for our family.

tragedy happens, BUT GOD is present.  he is walking us through things now to make us better for things later.  who knew that my dad's death would allow titus & levi to feel comfort.  titus says that his parents and my dad are having a party in heaven.  waiting for us.  so that we can all sing and dance together.  it brought the boys comfort to know that we had that in common.  we experience hurt, BUT GOD is healer.  a beautiful healer.

and my little guys.  my little family.  we can attest to his change.  his healing powers.  his grace.  his mercy.  and his love.  cannot wait for this next year.

just thought i'd leave you with a silly levi picture.

1 comment:

  1. I always think of Todd when I read that verse. It has been wonderful to watch from afar...and see what God is doing in your family. I really hope to someday meet those boys! I love you six!


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