i walked away.

Monday, November 4, 2013

i sat in my kitchen completely frustrated.  that blood boiling frustration.  the snap at any moment frustration.

and that is what happened.
i snapped.

all my kiddos were asleep.  & it hit me.  how in the world could a loving and caring God allow such heartbreak?  how could he allow little children to suffer?  (not just mine... all kiddos).  but in this case it was mine.  how could they have lost their parents, been abused in an orphanage that they were only in for a few months & had to leave everything?  how could they be so broken when God loves little children?  how in the world am i supposed to help them heal?  can i help them heal?  can anyone help these kiddos heal?

in that moment, i lost my trust in what i had always thought about God.  i took down & ripped apart a painting that said "there is always HOPE".  {i had lost all hope}.  i took my bible study books and walked them out to the trash can, opened it up & threw them in.  {why would i want to read/ study the bible when i was so angry that God allows this}.  this moment, this dark moment filled with anger, frustration & total crazy, marked the moment a journey started.  i looked at Todd & told him that i didn't believe God truly loved me.  i had a hard time believing in a God who would allow such suffering to happen.  i didn't want anything to do with God.  so i walked away.

and i wanted to stay away. but God had continued to remind me and draw me in. watching such heartache is difficult. it is exhausting. it all had a purpose. i cannot see it now, amidst the agony, but there is purpose.

here's the struggle i have had.  no one from my church had contacted me.  people at church would tell ashlynn to tell me "hi".  i finally asked her to respond with, "you should call her and tell her hi".  my closest friends live hours away.  i have been in lock down mode at home with the boys... still & was so emotionally exhausted.  i simply felt alone.  no other word could begin to describe the feeling other than lonely.  and it goes so far past that point. loneliness has a way of causing internal havoc on the soul.

but God had a plan in my destruction.  he allowed the suffering of my heart.  one thing never changed... i was fighting for my kids.  all four of them. God was fighting for my heart.

i still don't have any answers as to why God allows children to hurt so deeply.  it truly still frustrates me.  but my journey has blessed me with a little bit of peace, but the frustration is there.

to be continued...

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  1. Waiting for the to be continued... you left me hanging. I haven't lost hope but I totally get that lonely. In a very weird transition place in our life.


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