a simple given word.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

a single word.
one.simple.word.
now what?

okay.
backstory.
because that always makes it interesting.
and completely more understandable.

know that this all started with a simple prayer.  [here is where the back story begins].  my worst enemy is my mind.  my thoughts to be exact.  that is where satan attacks.  {and attacks hard}.  always has.

here is an example.  the night after my dad died, i was trying to fall asleep on the third floor of his house.  my sister was on the first floor... which i am not sure why i didn't just go down and talk with her because i am pretty sure she wasn't asleep either.  but that day i had said "goodbye" to a body.  my pops was already with Jesus.  but my brother (i assume it was him) had made sure that i could see my dad at his house, in a non-scary environment, able to say my goodbyes.  i knelt beside him, tears rushing down my face, my sister next to me, my brother across from me, todd by the door, my sisters best friend (someone who is like a sister to me) sitting behind me... and i prayed and thanked Jesus for my dad, for his life, for healing him.  that night i was convinced there was going to be an earthquake.  i woke todd up.  and almost made him drive from west la to la canada to pick up the kids who were staying with my in-laws.  yep.  i was shaking (not the ground).  i was convinced that we were going to all die from an earthquake.   

irrational.
totally insane.
but totally real.
i am immediately brought back to that night.

okay so... since now you see a little irrational thinking that satan decides to use, understand that this is not abnormal for me.  this is a battle i face daily.  always have.  likely always will.  {& yes.  it sucks.}  so in the last few weeks, as we have prepared to go live with people we have only met, as we prepare to spend time in a gracious house of wonderful people, satan has begun his attack on me.

i'll just list my fears.  please read some of this with some sarcasm.
(i like lists).
(all my own fears).
(no one, other than satan, has made me worry about this).
(NO ONE)!!!!!!
i don't parent exactly like the people i am going to be living with.  (what if they judge).
what if my boys get overwhelmed.  (they will.  we have limited them to such a small circle).
what if i cannot handle the boys (they have never been too much for me in 10 months, but thats too rational).
what if i cannot live with other people (yep, my college dorm at long beach state... that's real life crazy... but a house full of believers is too hard?  huh.  interesting).
my boys have reactive attachment disorder. (they don't but that is ALWAYS MY WORRY).
i am going to be judged. (i fear people.  yes i know it's wrong.  but i do).
i will miss my other people.  (todd, ash, jt.  how the heck am i going to function?)
i hate to drive.
people are going to tell me my boys have issues.  (hurt people have said hurtful things in the past, but the people that matter have said they are good... but that doesn't make sense apparently.)

okay.  so in my crazy i asked God to show me how i was supposed to proceed with parenting my little guys.  he gave a clear direction to me.  with is not what i thought i would see... but he did.  then the next morning... in my fears, as i was driving ashlynn to school, i was praying.  i was asking for clarity.  for help.  for understanding.  i got a word.  a single word.  then that word was beaten into me like nothing else.

love.
love is enough.

then, driving down the street... and of course me questioning God on if love was truly enough... got hit in the face with the idea of LOVE.

here is another list:
levi started singing a song that he made up.  (i've never heard it before).  you know what it said?  can you guess?  yep.  you're right.  love.... all about love.  i should note that he never has made up a song before.  he only sings what he knows.

i get home (a little flustered) and have the boys play cars in the front room so i can read.  i needed a little extra morning.  i stumble on a blog SOMEHOW... that said... love is enough.  is showed how God loved us enough and how we are to love our kids.

titus was playing cars and he looked up at me and said, "mom... i love you."  then he just started playing again.  he didn't want anything... if that is what you are thinking.

then i walk down stairs & i had framed this picture days earlier.  but it is the first thing i see.


that same blog i mentioned earlier... talked about a book called "dare to love".
yep.
here i was.
slapped in the face with the idea of love being enough.  


love looks different when you are raising trauma kids.  but really my boys are not "super trauma".  but they are still trauma kiddos.  they had great parents.  they had them for the better part of 5 years (titus)  & 3 years (levi).  in all actuality.  they had them until they were over 5 & 3 years old.  they loved them. miss them.  and still miss them (that will never go away).  they carried them.  loved them.  cared for them.  they gave them love.  nothing else.  love.  so now i will continue that legacy.  God has called me to love these sweet babies.  differently than i thought.  differently, but the same.  but it is hard to explain.

but for my boys.
love is enough. 
because they had love before.
they have love now.
we just need to rearrange the focus.
i don't really know how to explain it.
other than this:

tonight... all 5 (todd was at church) of us chatted about congo.  initiated by levi (rare).  we talked about friends in congo.  about hard times in congo.  about good things.   then about mama and papa (what we call birth parents).  in the end, we were talking about how much mama & papa loved them... even though they swatted (no idea where this word came from.  we don't ever use it.  but levi used it.) them.  (we don't swat our boys... just needed to make this clear.)  BUT in the end.  titus looked at me and said, "mom... they loved us.  like you and daddy love us."

yep God.  i got it.
i know they just need the love that you give.
the love that simply loves.
the love that disciplines.
the love that gives GRACE.
the love of second chances.
the love that allows re-dos.
the love that shows mercy.
the love that helps me remember you.
the love that shows them you.
the love that give us hope.
the love that helps.
the love that gets us though hard times.
the love that directs.
the love that is stern.
the love that is simply love.
the love that you have showed me.
the love that you remind me i need.
the love that helps me remember that satan can "suck it".  (that's what you taught me KB).
the love that is simply that.  love.

because my boys.  they come from a hard place.  but they come from love.  they come from parents who cut their hair (talked about tonight).  a love thought cooked them food each night.  a love that didn't allow them to go hungry.  a love that go angry when they wandered off and were brought home by a neighbor.  a love that visited them at an orphanage.  a love that sat behind a photograph.  a love that took them to church.  a love that was simply... love.  


a love that made us 6 a family.  no matter what you say.  no matter what you do.  no matter how you judge.  we are a family of 6.  birthed out of tragedy.  but healing in LOVE.

2 comments:

  1. beautiful. Praying blessings and peace on your sweet family. Wish we could sit down over a cup of coffee. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Praying for you. Will you email me johnanniegibson@me.com? I would love to see how you are and I have a question for you.
    Anna Gibson

    ReplyDelete

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