joyfully ruined.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

my heart has been displaced.  i suppose in many ways it has been for some time.  and really it never should be the same again.  these last three months i have been on a journey.  a spiritual journey that has completely wrecked me.

for the first two months, my journey was stagnant.  lost.  empty.  i had been questioning my faith.  and questioning is does not even begin to describe what i continually had been doing.  i suppose a more accurate description would be that i had lost all hope in the true nature of God.  i truly thought that God didn't exist.

how could he?  how could he exist and allow such hurt in children?  how could he exist and not heal my boys?  or others who were fighting for their kids.  i truly thought there was no God.  i battled daily with my own demons.  satan was winning the battle in my life and i was going to let him. (this is a whole other post).

but in the end... he didn't.
one tuesday night, i picked up my bible and started to look up the word "healing/ heal".  i wrote down every single verse in the bible that had those words in it.  i wrote out the meanings of each of the different words.  i wrote a brief description of each of the words.  it took me days.  and pages beyond pages of notes.  and you know what?  i learned ONE thing.

God only heals for his glorification.  he only heals to bring GLORY to the name of himself.  every single story of healing in scripture is for the glorification of God.  and something in that thought brought me to my knees.  begging for that healing in my sons & in our family once again.  begging for forgiveness for my disbelief.  for my sin.  for my anger.  for my distrust.  as i began to look to God for help... if felt renewed in my faith.  i felt driven to simply be.  i was determined to propel forward toward God.  to live differently.

i began a mission.  i was going to pray and  ask God what to do & what my next step should be in the fight for my family.  & this is what he ask of me.  to remove my insecurity.  to simply begin to allow creativity that he has given to me to flow.  and then to share it with others.  and that is the hardest thing for me.  because i hate rejection.  i hate failure.  and i hate disappointing people.  i have always had my creative stuff just for me.  but to share it, that was creating a very vulnerable side that is hard to allow others to see.

but here it is.
because i want to be obedient.
because all of this is for the glorification of God.
all of it is for healing.  

so i am painting again (healing for me) in order to raise money for neuro feedback (healing for the boys & ultimately all of us).
God continues to bless me through this new adventure. 
and challenges me to live simply.

here are some pieces.
each painting i send out is done by hand.
nothing is printed.
simply hand watercolored by me.

please feel free to share, post, repost... tell others.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet, Summer. I can relate to so much of your struggle. I've been wrestling with the Lord for quite some time. I'm so glad you are seeking His healing... what you said has encouraged me, too. Your paintings are so beautiful. I would really like to order one or two... I will talk to Patrick about it! :)


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