why did you want me?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

because who doesn't want to see this face?  yes he is where a beanie in the middle of summer.  and naturally... no shirt.  always.  no shirt.  he is a california boy at heart.  only time he has to put on a shirt... when we go out shopping & when we have people  here for dinner.
out of the mouths of children.
silly words.
silly sounds (if you your a mom of boys you totally get that).
and honest questions.

my honest question is brought to you by my little levi danny muembo.
oh that boy.
he rocks me to the core.
he encourages me.
challenges me.
and reminds me of they "why's" in life.

today was a quick run to tjmaxx.  checking out some back to school stuff for the big kids.  and browsing through the... "oh i so wish i had more money & no medical bills".

let me paint you a little picture.  if you would allow me.  ash & jt are standing behind me.  chatting about a video game that they have played about 3 times in their whole entire lives (we don't really do screen time).  and by chatting, i mean kind of disagreeing with one another.  disagree about something that they really don't understand.  because i don't allow them to understand it. they are both grating on my last nerve.  for so many reasons (it's the end of summer.  and i LOVE summertime home with my littles.  i NEVER want them to go back to school.  if i had it my way they would just know all the school stuff and play with me all year long).  but this reason.  i HATE video games.  so arguing about them... makes me want to destroy something using only my words.  and they ALMOST became my victims.  titus is holding onto the cart.  most likely overwhelmed at the fact that we were walking down the same aisle... for the third time.  probably thinking... "oh the first world problems.  they have to walk down aisles multiple time to look at things they don't really need."  at least he was quiet.  not touching things.  not speaking... unless spoken too.  given the conversation behind me... it was a good thing that he wasn't trying to destroy my emotions.  levi is sitting in the cart.  not really focused on what is going on.  he and i kind of chat every now and then.  i have NO clue what we were talking about before "the question".

from the cart.
i feel a touch on my hands.
(our signal for wanting to talk when we are not engaged in a conversation).
then the sweet sounds of levi.
(those are the non high pitched words).

levi: "uhmmm mom".
me: "what's up bud"? (likely not said with grace.  i am still listening to the conversation about the stupid video games.)
levi: "mom, why did you want me"?
me: attention.  focus on levi.  grace intact.  ready set...
titus: "because levi.  we needed a mom & a dad.  we needed someone to love us.  we needed someone to take care of us."
ash: quiet. (PRAISE JESUS).
me: "titus you are so right.  you needed a mommy & daddy.  you need to be loved.  you need someone to take care of you.  BUT... i needed two little boys.  i needed you.  both of you.  God wanted me to have you.  he wanted me to protect you.  i am so glad i have you now.  & forever."

fast forward to tonight.
getting ready for bedtime.
our conversations were beautiful.
it entailed talks about the past.  about the hurts that others had tortured them with.  about a night when they got lost.  a moment when their dad loved on them.  chats about heaven (sweet moment.  titus looked at me.  smiled.  and asked me if i was going to be in heaven with him.  i responded "yes".  he let me know that he was glad we could be there together.  that he didn't to go anywhere without me.)  chats about why Jesus died.  and then... we came back to our conversation about why we adopted them.  and what we were able to boil down too... Jesus called us to adopt them. he wants us to show them love.  to take care of them.  to love them to pieces.  and to show them Jesus.

i love these boys.
to pieces.
i love ALL my kiddos.
ALL of them.

but lets face it.  ash & jt's issues... i created those.  i invested in the need for them to have counseling when they are older.  & i am probably going to create more.  lets face it.  i am a little over protective.  maybe i expect a little too much.  (i am working on that.  don't judge.)  so lets pretend that they are not there.  (i joke i joke).  but the boys.  their issues i did not create.  however... i am trying to undo.

conversations like this with the boys are super special to me.  because i daily beg Jesus to give me the patience and the hope and the love to help these littles heal.  and today.  i saw healing.  you read the stories.

but here is what i heard.

you wanted me.
i need you.
i don't want to go anywhere without you.
i trust you with my hurts.
i know there is a heaven.
i want to go to heaven.
i love you.
we need love.
i need love.
i need you to keep caring for me.
i know you are doing those things.
i needed a mom.
i needed a dad.
i no longer need a mom.
i no linger need a dad.
i have a mom.
i have a dad.
i have Jesus in my heart.
i have a RESCUER.

so tonight... as i prayed with the boys (like i do every night.)... i rejoiced.  in my prayers i rejoiced.  & begged for more.

i love when Jesus gives me enough.
not more.
just enough.
enough to get me to the end of the day.
enough to help me get through the night.
enough to remind me as to the why's.
enough to help me wake up tomorrow.
enough to remind me to show them Jesus tomorrw.
all 4 of them.
because they all have asked Jesus into their hearts.
BUT i still get to show them Jesus.
i still get to remind them who Jesus is.
show them new wonders of Jesus.

because through them, Jesus shows me new wonders of who he is in my life.
he shows me himself through those sweet kiddos.
each of them.
and i am so grateful.
i always need to be shown those wonders.
reminded of them.
i cannot wait to see what tomorrow will hold.
chaos. questions. heartache. heart-filled.
you have no idea what i am talking about.
unless you view life through the life of those who are rescued by Jesus.
rescued from hurt.
rescued for sadness.
rescued because of obedience.
rescued because they are loved.
because they are chosen.

loved by Jesus.

(i asked JT what his favorite verse in the bible was & why it was his favorite.  he told me james 1:27.  "to care for the orphans and the widows in their hurts.  because it the verse that made him cry.  it showed him why our family was called to adopt titus & levi".  that is j's interpretation.)

because Jesus is amazing.

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