the same moon.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

last year i sat and waited.
i sat on our porch and stared at the moon.
all i could think about was at night in congo... that was the same moon that titus & levi looked stared at through the window of their house.
it was the same moon.
nothing else.
just the same.

i am sitting at my computer.
i look out the window.
and i it hit me.

1 year ago today... i was waiting.
i was waiting for a judgement.
along with some other amazing mamas.
waiting to hear that i had passed court.
waiting to hear that judge in the middle of MM, DRC had ruled in our families favor.
waiting to hear that i officially had 2 more littles.
2 more sons.

the moon is full.
it is bright.
and it is a reminder.

a reminder to that moment in time.  a moment of waiting.  a moment of constant prayer.  a moment that showed me to wait.  be patient.  and keep on waiting.  in 30 days (plus 1 year)... we would receive the email.  but a year ago, right now, i was a mess.  i was waiting.


tonight levi asked me to rock him.
uhmmm of course.
i rocked him.
held him.
cuddled him.

we talked.
and i remembered.

he wrapped his arms around my bicep.
told me i was strong.
asked me what i was going to do...
if bad people tried to come.
if someone gave mama g... money to come get him.
and asked how i got my muscles.

i reminded him that GOD gave him to me.
to protect him.
to guide him.
to give him love.

that i would forever love him.  i would do my best to not let anyone hurt him.  and that for my WHOLE life i would fight for him.  i would fight for all four of my kiddos.  as long as i can.  forever.  for always.

he laid his head on my shoulder.  i rubbed his back.  i almost cried.

1 year ago i could not do that.
i could not cradle him and rock him.
i could not listen to his chatter.
i could not hear his hurts.
i could not see his scars.
i could not touch him.

but now.
i can.
so i held tight to his little body.  ridden with emotions & hurts.  pain and suffering.  sadness & strife.  i answer his questions.  affirmed his understanding.  & tomorrow i will get up and prove my fight to him.  i will show him i am fighting.  i will show him my fight.  and i will be JESUS to remind me of last year.

to remind me of the moons i watched as i prayed.
to remind me of my drive then.
& my drive now.

tomorrow i will fight... with the same passion of last summer.  a summer where i may not have understood the fight.  or the true reason for the fight.  but this summer i do.  i am fighting for the sons.  the sons who have been hurt by others.  the sons who have hurt more than i ever have hurt before.  and for the sons that my Jesus is healing.

i fight for them.  tomorrow.
i fight for ash's struggles.  tomorrow.
i fight for jt's struggles.  tomorrow.

and while i am not guaranteed tomorrow.  i remember last year.  i remember yesterday.  and i will fight for them because of that memory.

my people.

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