gathering tears.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

these 4 get my tears.

i just had a thought.
nothing profound.
but something that grabbed my attention.  held it long enough for it to produce an idea.  and that idea provide conviction.

conviction over my life.  my heart.  my thoughts.
conviction to what drives me.
what hurts me.
what causes me to be someone different.  better.
someone with greater impact on those around me.

{process with me for a moment}.
and don't judge until you are done reading.

what if when we died there was a jar of ever tear we had ever cried?
every tear that ever left our eyes?
what if those tears told our story?

i started to think about that.  what if at the end of my life i was presented not only with all of my tears, but the reasons i have cried those tears.  can you imagine what that would say of our lives?  can you even possible fathom what that would say to our maker?  can i imagine what my tears would say to my savior?

our tears reveal so much of who we are, especially as women.  {or they do of me.  because i cry a lot.}

they show our weakness.
they show our fears.
they show us.

there is no simply way to put it.  whether we cry our tears publicly for everyone to see.  or we cry them in the quiet of our "closets".  they reveal us.  they reveal our hearts.  they show our hurts.  they give meaning to our wants, desires, and our hurts.

then what if our tears showed the layers of our life?  what if they showed our growth?  what if they gave a clear depiction of our lives?  here would be mine.  well... the ones i can remember.

as a child i cried for mom & dad.
as a young girl... my tears were from hurts inflicted by friends.
as a teenager... of course there were tears over boys.
& tears over the possibility of losing my dad.  & tears to figure out where i fit.  i remember crying with my dad because i wanted to know more about the bible.
in my 20's... {TEARS TURNED INTO PRAYERS AND TEARS}! my tears were for my parents.  for my marriage.  for my children.  for my brother.  for my sister.  for my sister in law.  for my life to mean something.  for my life to be more like jesus.
at 31... they are for the loss of my dad (tears that i suspect will continue for the rest of my life).  lots of tears for losing my dad.
at 33... for my children who i had yet to meet.
at 34... for my boys who sat in an orphanage waiting for me.  for jesus to show himself to me.  for strengthening of my marriage.  for more of something.  anything.
end of 34... i was begging for more of jesus.  i was pleating with God to give me an understanding of the why. i wanted to know why my two younger children had to hurt so deeply.  why my two older kids had to watch the hurts and not understand.  i wanted to know why i had never seen the gospel so clearly.  i needed to see jesus.  i wanted to see jesus.  i wanted to know more about jesus.  i wanted to understand my need for jesus.
at 35... i just need jesus.  my tears are for more of jesus.  more healing.  for my daughter to be like jesus.  for j to continue to pursue jesus with all of his heart.  for my younger two to heal... know our love... know the love of jesus... know peace... understand compassion & care... for them to feel like they have a complete family, that loves them unconditionally.  forever.

my tears have changed.  they went from simply heartbreaking tears, to tears that had hope.  tears with a purpose.  tears that were driven & pushed behind prayer  if my tears could tell a story or show me anything, they would show me that I NEED JESUS.  all the time.  forever.  without question.  without wavering.

i need JESUS.
for more reasons than i could understand.
for more reasons than i can explain.
but the need it there.
it will be forever.
& i am thankful for the need.

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