what would i change.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

track with me for just a moment.
walking around in our basement.
looking at blank walls.
trying to figure out if it's worth it.
spending money.
remedy to the blank walls.
what would i change?
what could i add?
what would i take create?
what would i change...

what would i change?  in my own life?  change one "something" that happened in my entire life? the thought went from simply changing the look of the basement, to changing the life that i now know.  i didn't question what i would change.  i didn't even have to think about it.

i know what i would change.
hands down.
a single quick change.
do you know what you would change?

i want my dad.  i would change his death.  to have never have happened.  for a moment i remember begging God to give me one more day with him.  laying on the floor of our house in california, begging.  completely losing it.  but in that moment i realize a moment is not enough. it won't give me forever.  it will give me a simple moment.  not enough time.  have questions.  i need comfort.  i want a hug.

a hug.
you take a dad's hug for granted.
once it's gone...
that hug.
it's gone forever.
its a memory.
a picture in your heart.

so i want to change that.  i want my dad back again.  i want to see his face.  feel his scruffies.  smell his cologne.  i simply want my dad to be alive again.  to share in my joy.  feel my sorrow.  hug me until i stop crying.  one of the last times my dad was in the hospital.  i laid in his bed.  his arm around me.  i was crying.  i am pretty sure he was crying.  i was too afraid to look because i didn't want to sob uncontrollably.  so i laid there and cried in silence.  i just wanted him to live.  i just wanted him to stay with me forever.

but he didn't.  it was 1 week and 1 day after that sweet, precious moment that he saw Jesus.  and i want him back.  but i know he wouldn't come back.  he would not want to come back.  as deeply as he loved us.  he is content.  he is resting.  healed.  praising Jesus.  healed.  happy.  joyful.  at peace because his faith far surpasses anything i have ever seen on this earth.

tonight.  i miss my dad.  i would change that moment he went to be with Jesus.  but he wouldn't.  he would forever stay with his savior.

so i guess.
the thing i would change.
i wouldn't really change.
because he wouldn't want to change it.

i miss you pops.  "popsicle" (a name my sister & called him).
i love you more than i miss you.

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