Saturday, September 29, 2012

i started to write last night.  well type i suppose.
expressing some pretty harsh feelings.
true feelings.
but not honoring.
i had forfeit my self control.
giving it over to rage.
inconsolable rage.
frustration boiled.
and anger boiled over.

& then i realized that the attack was strong.  spiritually getting demolished.  as in destroyed by the enemies attacks. 

tears.  my tears flowed.  and don't seem to stop.  i am desperate need of God to do a miracle.  a miracle in that very moment.  a miracle in our adoption.  a miracle.  the last time i begged God to give me a miracle (truly begged, pleaded, wept for a miracle), was when my dad had passed away & i knelt down beside his lifeless body asking God to let him come back.  that was the last time i have begged (even though i knew it wouldn't come).

i needed to know God was fighting for us. 

truth?  God is fighting.  he is fighting for my sons in congo.  he is fighting for my children here in idaho.  he is fighting for our family to be under the same roof.  he is fighting.  right now.  i am begging.  i am pleading with God to bring my boys home by christmas.  pleading with him to move our adoption case forward.  pleading with him to prepare our family for our huge transition.  begging for swiftness.  begging for understanding. 

today i spent the whole day seeking God.  i spent my time in prayer.  reading a challenging book.  looking through scripture.  trying to find the peace that comes from God.  i'll admit, i still feel some attack going on, but i also feel a freedom from what God revealed to me today. (more on that another time). 

i banned the kids from tv, video games, and friends.  yep, even friends.  they had to play together all day.  the reason was simple.  they fought with each other and said they didn't want to play with one another.  logically i thought, well... then that's all they get to do today.  with a little explanation, they have played beautifully all day.  they have found inventive things to do & allowed their imaginations to soar.

it's been beautiful.

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