sometimes i loose it.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

my sweet friend kara texted me this morning asking how i was doing.
you see, she is an adoptive mom.
waiting for her babies in congo.
trying to emotionally get through the waiting as well.
she has been my encouragement through a lot of hard stuff these last 2 years.
she has been a friend to me, a sister to me, an aunt to my children, and is my kindred spirit.
we like the same things.
we love the same way.
we are both loud.

but in that moment...
i almost lied to her. 
one of my dearest friends.
someone who is in the same spot as me.
emotionally drained.

after initially typing that i was "doing great", i clicked the delete button & started being a little more honest.  i was challenged by the fact that i was hurting.  so here it is.

i am deeply struggling with the waiting and the worry of it all.   with the lack of control that i have, or even our agency has at the moment.  i am frustrated that our paperwork is literally sitting waiting to have a signature put on it.  it has been there for 11 weeks today.  11 long weeks.  i am sad that i have not received an update on the boys in over 2 months.  no new pictures.  no news whatsoever.  if i am brutally honest, which i mine as well be, i don't know how much more i can take of this.

i have found that crying out to God has been my only source of encouragement because it allows me to get the emotions out.  the raw, ugly, i don't want people to think i'm a horrible person, type emotions.  i have been seeking God in my closet.  a little hiding place.  sometimes i grab my bible, face first on the floor, praying and reading.  asking.  confessing.  grieving.  hurting.  crying. 

i know God is in control.  i don't doubt that for a second.  i know that he can move the process along as quickly or as slowly as possible.  i just don't like feeling so emotionally run down. but the truth is... this is how i am feeling.  running from it or denying it only hurts me.  be open about it, might help someone else. 

please pray.
pray for swiftness in our process.
pray for my heart to heal.
pray for the emotions that come & go as they please.                                            

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