my sweet sister-in-law beth encouraged me to make sure i was writing about everything that was going on in my mind and in my heart. so i have began to journal in a lonely aqua journal that has become a letter to my boys. the boys i don't yet know. the hugs i have not yet received. the kisses i have yet to give. the boys that have grown attached to my heart... my heart that is broken.
its the end of yet another week.
a week we thought we would receive an email.
small tokens showing us that these sweet faces are ours.
my heart hoped.
my heart broke.
a million times.
into a million pieces.
(i found this letter written on a families blog that is adopting from ethiopia... i am not sure where she found it, but todd and i read it and wept.)
KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child’s Lullaby)
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that’s how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are… what’s taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin…
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I’m doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you’ll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
— Pamela Durkota, written for Josh
my prayer for my boys in my journal is this:
heal my sweet babies. hug them tonight. guard them. protect them. shelter them. give them everything they need in this very moment. feed them. comfort them. show them you in this very moment. show them your great way. your strong power. let them see and know you. please let them know your love and your heart. give them joy- let them smile for no other reason than to smile because of you.
in all honesty i am tired of waiting... but what am i supposed to do?
wait on Gods timing. as hard as that may be, tonight i wait again.
until next week.
maybe we will know who our sweet boys are then... because right now,
God knows who those sweet boys are and what they are doing... hopefully sleeping.
as i post this it is around 4 o'clock in the morning.
thanks you Jesus for all of my children.
all 4 of them.