Saturday, March 26, 2011

two years ago today is as clear as ever.
it is like it was yesterday.
here is how it went.

woke up.
it was spring break.
it was a relaxing morning.
got a call about my dad feeling a little sick.
he was in a lot of pain.
talked with my cousin who assured me that he would not leave.
i was going down the next day.
so i didn't worry a ton.
the next day!
to be with my dad.
kids & i played outside.
i went to work (working out of my house).
i talked to my brother after lunch.
he was there with my dad.
he actually just left with my cousin to get lunch.
i got a call from my stepmom.
she said my dad was not waking up.
i told her to slap him across the face...
rub her knuckles on his chest.
told her to call my brother.
not to worry about making him mad.
we hung up.
my brother called.
had just left my dad about 15 minutes ago.
he said dad was in good spirits.
that they were joking about going for a bike ride.
the next 20 minutes went FAST.
todd walked in the door.
told me it was time to go.
i jumped up from my office desk.
ran for my phone.
called my brother.
we fought with ANGRY words on the phone.
our emotions were so high.
the words i said to him were some of the most harsh words i've ever said.
they were hurtful.
they sit with me always.
haunting me.
thrashing my emotions.
we hung up the phone.
i called bri (my sister) but didn't tell her why i was calling.
asked to speak to jason (her boyfriend).
told him to remain calm.
make sure he drove down.
asked to speak to my sister.
& told her.
i told her that he was dying.
that she needed to get down to west la fast.
that jason was going to be driving.
told her to get to the hospital (because i thought thats where they were taking him).
i called lisa (my boss) to tell her i was going to be gone for a while.
she encouraged me.
loved me.
called tony (brother) back.
he was crying.
talking me through what the paramedics were doing.
i was standing in the front room.
holding onto the mantle as if it was going to save my life.
he yelled, 'he's gone summer.  he's gone.'
i could feel his tears.
from 171 miles away.
i could feel them.
i could hear them.
i could almost touch his pain.
but his pain was my pain.
my pain was his.
we felt the pain of loss.
listening as they called 'time of death'.
i dropped to the floor.
my phone slide out of my hand.
i could hear my brother screaming.
my 6ft 2in brother screaming.
it was so surreal.
almost like a movie.
but the reality was... it was my life.
the rest was in slow motion.
i could see ash usher jt out of the house to the car.
i was crying on the floor.
todd was laying beside.
i walked to the car.
called my mom.
called my sister again & told her he was gone.
and drove.
2 hours and 15 minutes later i was kneeling beside my dad.
i was crying.
praising God for the life of my dad.
tears streaked down my face.
i was wearing a blue tank top.  jeans. black sweater. flip flops.
i don't know why that is relevant, but i remember it.
when they took him away.
i sat upstairs with my sister & her best friend.
who is like a sister to me.
i didn't want my sister to see them zip his lifeless body into a black bag.
todd stayed down stairs with my brother.
who refused to leave.
after walking back down stairs... everything was cleaned up.
no dad laying there in peace.
because he was not longer in this world.
he was with his jesus.
telling ash he was with jesus was the hardest thing ever.
it was the 2nd tragedy.
she wept.
& i couldn't hold her (she was with my father in law).
he was with his jesus.
in the arms of his savior.
no more pain.
no more weeping.
for that i rejoiced.
but here on earth... i ached.
i ached that i wouldn't hold his hand.
lay next to him.
confide in him.
laugh with him.
i remember a friend of mine who had lost her dad tell me that she missed the way that her dad's cheeks felt... his scruffle.  i remember thinking i will never feel that again.
he wouldn't walk my sister down the aisle.
he wouldn't watch my sister have babies.
he wouldn't wrestle with his grandkids.
he wouldn't hug us again.
he wouldn't yell 'summy' as i walked into the room.
he wouldn't tell silly stories to us or about us.
he wouldn't ride his bike again.
he wouldn't go to the zoo with us.
he wouldn't lecture me again.
for those things i mourned.
but i rejoiced that he was resting peacefully in heaven.
it became this real place for me.
it was where my jesus was... with my pops.


  1. No more pain - no more crying. We do not live as those without hope for one day we'll see him again and you will even be able to feel his scruffle. So very hard to say good bye here...it seems like an eternity - I'm crying with you sweet girl robin beers

  2. *sigh* Every time I read your words about your dad, I cry. Praying for you, my friend. Happy be-lated birthday. :)


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