no (tears). no (fears).

family hike.

complete bliss.

no issues.

no tears.

no fears.

just pure joy.

filled with hilarious laughter.

crazy kiddos.

& a {mom} who NEEDED this.

more than you can ever understand.

well i can think of a few friends... you know who you are... who can understand.

this (& watching pitch perfect) makes me happy.

nothing profound.  simply being a family.  having fun.  getting to know each other.  learning how to trust one another.  healing through fun.

our road towards the boys was not simply.  our road since the boys has not been simply, however, i was reminded by a very special & wonderful person... that God gave me these sweet babies.  he knew before the beginning of ALL time that these two sweet faces would be mine.  he knit us together.  on purpose.  & he doesn't knit together junk.  i was reminded that i would have the joy and responsibility to raise them.  as if i birthed them.  i would get to show them love for the rest of my life.  i would get to show them the love of a family.  i get to be the one that loves them through their hurts.  i get to forgive when i don't want to forgive them again.  i get to give, when i have nothing left.  but more importantly... i would get to show them the LOVE of a SAVIOR.  i get to show them Jesus.  WOW!  i get to show them who died for them.  i get to show them who is fighting for them.  i get to show them the ONLY constant, JESUS.  but really... they also show me Jesus.  because lets face it.  i don't deserve grace.  or mercy.  or a SAVIOR.

but somehow i have it.

i have been given grace... so i will give it to them.

i have been shown mercy... so they will get mercy.

i have a hope because i have Jesus... so i will show them Jesus because i don't know where i would be without Jesus.

the Jesus that they know died on a cross.

the one that "loved the soldiers who nailed him to the cross" even through the "soldiers didn't love Jesus"... (those are their sweet words)... but i also get to show them Jesus that WILL bind up their wounds (psalm 147:3),  that IS fighting for them (exodus 14:14 & james 1:27) & is mighty to save (zephaniah 3:17-20)

because you know what.  Jesus WINS.  he does.  

right?  he WINS friends.  in he end & in the beginning.

HE WINS.  he actually already WON.  he WILL heal their hearts.

he WILL heal their pain.  he WILL & IS healing mine.  he will continue to fight for them.

he WILL continue to use their stories to either bring awareness to those in need, to show the gospel of Jesus, & he will continue to use them to mold my family into the BEAUTIFUL MESS that it is.

the mess that knows nothing more than the need of a Savior.

the mess that brought my jeremy to tell me he wanted to be a pastor so that he can take students all over the world to help those that need to know Jesus.  the mess that helped my sweet ashlynn ask me if she could go work in an orphanage in Africa to help the kiddos know Jesus and the nannies (she called them the mama's... that's what our boys call their nannies) know that Jesus loves them.  the mess that brought us two beautifully wounded sons who i cry for daily.  pray for hourly or often by the minute.  boys who have taught me patience beyond measure, to allow others opinions to be forgotten, & that it REALLY is ALL about Jesus.

Jesus WINS.

i used to tell the boys this.

like i was trying to convince them.

convince myself.

but now i boldly tell them that he does.

with conviction.

with hope.

with excitement.

because he does.

because he DID.

it's blurry... but it totally captures him.  he is hilarious when its just us.

he told me i looked "cute" & wanted it framed by his bed.  i look horrid... but for him.  just about anything.

my sweet kiddos.  all 4 of them.  together.  forever.

teaching tears.

when ash & jt were babies, they were "blessed" with a crazy mom.  when they cried... i came running.  yes, i held to the method of "cry it out", but even at that, in the middle of the night, if they cried, i came running.  or todd did {because} lets face it.  he can help out in the middle of the night too.  if they cried when they were hurt, i scooped them up, bounced them in my arms and whispered re-assurance in their little ears.  all the while, showing them i was present.  i was available.  i was there.  i was speaking a secret language of trust. of bonding.  of attachment.  that i was here for them & not simply there, but that they could count on me.  forever.

what if at one point you learned that your tears were not important?  what if your hurt was hushed?  what if in a moment, you were stripped of your comforter and you learned that no one would come if you cried?

seriously.  consider that for just a moment.  how heartbreaking, right?

over the last 10+ weeks i've desperately been teaching titus how to cry.  while some moms are teaching their sons to be strong and tough (like i do with jeremy)... i am teaching my son to simply cry.  to allow his tears to flow through his pain.  to break the barriers of a tough exterior.  to show that it feelings are okay.  (another issue that some people don't understand.  but you don't want your sons in an octagon with either of my sons, because no matter how tough you have made them, my sons... from the streets of DRC... will win.  they have a right hook (and a left) that will bring a strong adult to their knees.  if you don't believe me.  our bruises and scars will show you the evidence of their hurts, fears & pain).

while i am new to parenting a hurt child, this is one thing that struck me deeply: some mamas are teaching rough and tumble & i am teaching tears.  simple, beautiful tears.

each day i teach tears.
and how do i teach my "tough" sons to cry...

1.  i give them a safe place, free from judgement of others, to allow tears to happen.  titus has been deeply hurt.  and is afraid to cry.  he recently told me of when he got blood drawn in DRC, and how he "didn't cry".  uhmmm.  all kids need to cry when they get blood drawn.  they need a sweet mama there to comfort their hurt.  but he was so proud he didn't cry.  which, in turn, made me cry.

2.  i watch for signs of hurt.  for physical hurt.  for simple instances when any "normal" 5 year old would be brought to tears (like falling off a stool and banging your head on the other stool).  a few nights ago he got a bloody nose.  in the middle of the night.  he dealt with it all by himself, laying in bed, all alone.  todd had to tell him that it was okay to wake us up and tell us he was bleeding, or scared, or hurt, or sad.  friends.   it was so bad that i had to change the sheets.  wash his clothes.  make his bed for him (i just don't make the beds of my children.  it is their bed.  they can make it.  and have to make it every morning.)  but today.  when he got another one, he came to me.  i fixed it.  make sure he was okay.  and completed a cycle of attachment.  a win for us.  a win for him.  an attached child is beautiful, i cannot wait to get there.

3.  i assure him that crying is okay.  that crying is good.  (judge away all you wonderfully, beautiful who are trying to raise tough boys... but let us remember that our street kiddos are already tough and we are trying to remind them how to simply show "gentle".  huge change of pace for me.)  there is a cycle that is reinforced when a child cries & no one takes care of him.  the cycle truly breaks my heart.  who knows how many bumps & bruises titus got & just simply did not cry because no one would come to his rescue.  when he came home to us, there were definitely things that would happen to him, painful things, that he would not tell us about.  because he simply didn't know that he had someone advocating and protecting him.

4.  i encourage his tears to be cried in my arms.  no where else.  simply in a safe place.  i will go to great lengths to assure that ALL his tears are cried with me.  (at least for now).  today, after he tried to stop crying when he got hit in the head, i laid on the floor, him next to me, trying to encourage those tears to flow.  hiding his face from his brothers.  and his tears came.  rushing and healing a hurting heart.

5.  i whisper to him through his tears.  like i did with my two older kiddos.  recreating a lost childhood.  a childhood that should have never been taken from them, but was.  and we deeply are trying to give it back to them.

one simple tear at a time. 

one hug at a time.  

one laughter at a time.  

one piece at a time. 

sometimes it is one day at a time.

more often it is one minute at a time.

healing hearts & minds is hard.

pray for healing.

quick healing.

because i am worn out.

my beautiful son.  who really can beat up your son.  & i am trying to fix that.

beautiful MESS.

so many times, my heart breaks for my sons.  not simply my beautiful sons born in a land that is scorched from the sun, but also the son who was born in a clean, nice hospital in so. california.  my heart breaks for my daughter, who is one of the strongest, most courages girls i have ever known.  i long for the two babies i birthed to remember the things that i have taught them.  i deeply wish the sons who grew for years in my heart, would not have witnessed the travesty that they have seen at such a young age.  i wish they would have NEVER seen it {if i am being honest}.  however, in the grand scheme of things, i know that God is working in the lives of all four of my babies.  he is making all things beautiful.  i can see it because i am able to see the beauty in the pain.

Jesus WINS.
redemptions is hard.
REDEMPTION IS BEAUTIFUL.

so where does my ache for my 4 kiddos come from?  {so glad you asked}.  why do i continue to hurt after being home for 10 weeks?  why am i exhausted at 8:30 every night?  the answer is simply.

redemption comes at a cost.

when we adopted our boys, it was not merely the rescue of two little lives who lived on the streets in the middle of DRCongo.  it is bigger than that.  it is about the gospel.  friends... it is about Jesus; and about nothing else.  the redemption of the hurting child is HARD.  it is heart breaking.  it is painful.  it comes with scars.  bruises. (& if you don't believe me... i'll show you mine).  it comes with looks that we do not understand.  with judgement from others that tell us, "you did this to yourself".

redemption hurts.
it costs.
it stems for grieve & loss.
it bleeds.
it's bruised.
it cries.
it rejoices.

adoption mirrors the gospel.  it mirrors the sacrifice.  the hurt.  the pain.  the cost.  the rescue.  and the redemption.  adoption has made me LOVE my Jesus so much more.  it has made me need my Jesus so much more.  it has allowed me to see my ugly  & the reality that God STILL chooses me.

tomorrow i will take whatever God wants me too... i will choose the ugly if need be.  but tonight.  tonight... i was blessed with the beautiful.  my older two remembering the gospel & the sacrifice of their Jesus & remembering that they need to love their brothers.  & it was the beautiful blessings of my younger two being silly little boys.  they forget to do that sometimes.  tonight.  they didn't.  thank you Jesus.

4 years.

i had a dream the other night that i called my dad to find out if he knew where my sister was one afternoon.  a phone call that would have been a typical, normal, everyday phone call.  it was the dream that was interrupted by a little boy who was ready to start his day.  so it stuck with me for a long while. a dream that still sticks with me because of the simplicity of that dream.  the realness of it.  the fact that it is the stuff i miss the most.  the everyday conversations that meant merely nothing, but at the same time meant everything.

the last time i spent real quality time with my dad, before his health declined so strongly, was in february of 2009.  breezi (my sister), ash, my pops & i spent the day at the beach.  we sat at a small table, watching the crowds, drinking beer or something, & playing with these balloons that flew through the air, making an obnoxious sound, drawing a crowd of children (& some weirdos too).  i remember sitting there and marveling at just how strong my dad was through his battle with cancer.  his strength is always something that astounded me.  his strength that was not his own, but something that was from his Jesus.

his battle was hard.  and full of hope.  i found a small written note in his bible... in the margins i found a note.  it simply and beautifully said: "*strength for the last days on earth."  in was inscribed in the margins of 2 corinthians 5... "that if the earthy tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

he pretty much is the greatest man i have ever known in my whole entire life.  he was my protector.  that last day we spent at the beach (not the last day we spent together but the most enjoyable), a creepy man stood between my dad & i.  my dad could tell i was uncomfortable (we talked about it that night).  he simple stood up in his weakness, walked over to me, stood beside me & said nothing.  that was a moment like no other.  because in all his weakness, he found strength to "defend".  that is just the kind of amazing guy God gave me as a father.  i cannot wait to again stand beside him in heaven.

busy makin' memories.

i have been absent about blogging.
absent from life in general.
we have been busy.
which is an understatement.

busy making memories.
healing hearts.
casting away evil things.
replacing them with Jesus.

busy catching up on sleep.
healing our bruises.
laughing hard at our crazy days.

we have continually hit our knees.
learned great and many lessons.
cried tears of joy & sadness.

given over our days to a God who can heal.
who will heal.
who has healed.

we have rejoiced in our successes.
let go of our failures.
shed tears because of the hurts of our sons.
screamed for Jesus to bind the enemy.
prayed for redemption.

redemption of hearts and souls.  redemption is hard.  it is a never ending battle filled with great love and joy... and tears.  redemption is dirty.  it is ugly.  it is harsh.  it is draining.

and it is BEAUTIFUL. 

because Jesus will win.
he is winning.

our stories of redemption are all different.  but they are all fought for, dripping with love, grace & mercy.  our boys stories towards the redemption, which we continually pray for, will be even more different than we can imagine. the aching of their pasts.  the joys of their future.  the reality of their precious lives.  all to be healed and redeemed by a God who is far more able than we can ever imagine.

here are a few of their firsts in our home... as a family of 6.

titus g... loves the snow.

first time sledding.

first time picking out a toy.

levi daniel... loving his 4th birthday even if he's really not 4 (we don't think).

learning that home is safe.

first brother wrestling & jumping match.

first time feeding the ducks.

please pray for our 4 kiddos.  because redemption is dirty... there are a lot of scars.  hurts.  tears.  pain.  frustrations.  not just with titus & levi... but ash & j are seeing how hard it is to simply love someone when things are hard or when someone is mean.  pray for bonded and connected siblings.  pray that the boys continue to see JESUS as part of their amazing stories.  

because, lets face it, JESUS WINS.

redemption is messy.

but it is also beautiful.

congo lesson #2

congo lesson #2:  we need one another.
you've heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child.  well... it took a village to keep me stable & sane.

(please know that our time in Africa was not all hard & not all bad... but it was such a dark time & the beginning of a season of learning and growth.  it was a reminder of my desperate need for my Jesus & that without HIM my life would be utter disaster and ruin.)

disclaimer: {also know i wrote this while homeschooling ash (between bible & math), trying to entertain a 3 & 5 year old, & now it's night time... and i haven't read it over.  kind of figure this is as good as it is going to get right now.  i honestly want a little time to watch SMASH, because i just put all four kids to sleep by myself (todd is at youth group).  proud moment.  let me have it:)  ignore the errors.  pretend it makes sense.  hugs.}

"bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ... so then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are in the household of faith." galatians 6:2 & 10

we traveled to DR Congo with a beautiful group of people & left behind an amazingly, wonderful prayer support team.  i am not sure where i would be without the emails & kind words we received from those back in the states... & i know i am a better person for knowing the beautiful people who experienced Congo with us.

not even sure where to begin.  none of us knew each other when we all met up in Brussels, but i can say i will never forget any of them.  i seriously get teary when i think about all they did to encourage and support todd and i those 7 days in Congo.  i cannot even begin to describe the level of comfort and love i felt from these 7 beautiful people.  on the night of titus' first meltdown, todd & i sat on our bed, crying & ridden with so much fear.  we cried and prayed.  we wanted the enemy to be bound.  we wanted change for the boys.  we wanted comfort for the boys & for ourselves.  at the same moment, we looked at each other and knew... in that moment... how thankful we were for the people that God had placed in our lives for the week in Africa.  we began to pray and thank God for what they brought to our process.  that they were willing to bear our burdens.  to encourage us.  to bless us.  

mama D... she was my rock there at sunny days.  she reminded me that i was not alone.  that i was strong.  that we could do this... and if we couldn't, she was there for us.  some of our conversations were so personal, i cannot share them, but in the end.... she showed me that she loved me, cared for my heart & my well-being, & was willing to help at any moment.  one night, when i had hit an emotional wall, she walked down to talk about an update from our lawyer & knew i was at my end.  the words she said to me were so encouraging to me.  it was the perfect end to a hard night.

Chris... oh how she encouraged me.  she hugged my titus when he didn't want to love me.  she tossed a ballon around.  she brought a positive attitude.  encouraging spirit.  she gave me hope when i felt down.  loved me when i was down.  hugged me when i was down.  and shared a beer with me when i needed a little relaxation.  loved this girl.

scotty... was an amazing encouragement.  i am fairly sure that todd would not have gotten through the week without scott.  he was a constant source of laughter for me.  you have no idea how i needed to laugh.  not sure where we would have been without the laughter & jokes & perfect words.

adam said something to me that was probably the biggest reminder.  he reminded me of what an amazing husband and father todd was & how because we had each other, we were going to be okay.  we were going to make it.  at then end of the week... it was exactly what i needed.  to be reminded that, along with the strength that God gives us, we have each other and we will make it though together.  and he was right... todd & i make a great team.

corey... he was hilariously fun as well.  he taught levi a hand shake (he still does it today), kicked the soccer ball around with titus when todd and i couldn't do it any longer (we kicked the ball around for HOURS a day) & he brought mashed potatoes (my favorite food) to our potluck.

chasity... oh dear chasity.  her encouragement over the week was unforgettable.  and ever so needed.  the Lord used her to simply encourage me through the week.  she is by far one of the sweetest people i have ever met in my life.  i feel like i have known her forever.  each person had a "moment" that touched me.  hers was a hug.  simply hugging me, telling me she was praying; it touched my heart in the perfect time at the perfect moment.

& of course there is paul.  if you know me, or know my dad, you will completely understand this statement... but if you don't know me well, or don't know my dad, trust that there is no complement greater than this: paul reminded me SO much of my dad.  here are the moments i remember so well.  i had walked in on todd crying in the bathroom (something he had not wanted me to see).  i couldn't handle it.  i walked outside & looked at paul.  leaned down and asked if he would go and pray for my husband.  without a question, he grabbed me, prayed for me, & was off to our room.  if that alone was it... that would have been enough.  but that wasn't it.  he hugged me.  prayed for me.  told me he was praying for me.  let me cry on his shoulder. & told me i could do this.  paul was chasity's pops.  simply put, paul reminded me of the greatest man i have ever known.  he reminded me of my dad.  enough said.

oh & lets not forget marcus & lindsay.  oh they helped me in ways i never got to thank them for.  they were adopting 2 little sweeties.  two.  just like us.  in the thick of it.  it was a reminder that it was hard.  that i could get through it.  that they while these sweet babies are hurting... we can give them the love that they need.  when they need it.  it might exhaust us, but we had it in us.  that we were called to it.  it was perfect.  i am so thankful for them.  for their youngest who cried like levi (it was a blessing trust me).  an oldest who was strong & beautiful (like titus, but without the meltdowns).  thank you both.  you both are inspirational.

our last moments together.  i truly loves these beautiful people.  thank you jesus for ALL of them.

these beautiful people changed me.  they gave me exactly what i needed that week. God gave me them, to give me exactly what we needed in this week.  a week i LOVED.  a week that i have CHERISHED since i experienced it.  a week that CHANGED me forever.  a week that BLESSED my socks off.  a week that gave me two of the most beautifully, wonderful, crazy congo babies ever.  a week that blessed me with two more sons.  a week that showed me the need i have for others.  and showed me different ways i NEED to be there for others.

congo lesson #1.

congo brought some of the hardest times i have ever experienced... along with some of the most beautiful things i have ever experienced.  please know that i loved & cherish our time in congo.  for what i learned, i would not change one heartbreak because of what i gained.

congo lesson #1.
he (my Jesus) makes all things new.

after our first meeting with the boys, things got rather difficult.  in a way that none of us (our agency included) expected.  we all had thought that levi would have been hard for us, but it was titus who brought us crashing to our knees, tears streaming down our faces, begging for his pain to end.  i cannot give adequate understanding to the scene that happened & in all honesty, i have contemplated sharing this with you all, but i am hoping that one person might read this & realize that they are not alone in their pain and struggles.  (something we needed in those first few days). it was a moment in time that i hated & learned so much though.

our day began beautifully.  with little fear and trepidation... we ran head on into our new crazy life.  our boys are ACTIVE.  they love to run.  play football (aka soccer).  they were already testing boundaries.  in all honesty, i was scared and had no clue as to how to handle the situation.  i felt like i was continually putting out fires.  making sure little hands were not getting hurt or going where they were not supposed too.  trying my hardest to make the smooth transition into our newest members of our family.  in a moment of desperation and need for containment, we decided to take the boys swimming.  off to test the idea of water with them.

our adventure was met with big smiles.  lots of splashing.  tons of giggles.  after all was said and done, we felt that we had made some success in bonding with the two of these little guys.  BUT once we got back to the hotel, we saw a completely different side of titus.  please know that titus is such a sweet boy.  with a sweet smile.  and a sweet heart.  BUT his heart is bruised and broken.  and in the next few hours we started to see that broken heart. & it was in this time that we thought... what the heck have we done to our family.

something set him off, looking back at it i really think that it was the fact that he was having fun, or maybe it was because we told him "no" to something... but he cornered me into the bathroom.  started to push me.  hit me.  & scream.  all i could do was try to calm him down.  todd & i stood there with him while he pressed, pushed, & jumped clear over testing boundaries.  things like trying to get into the toilet, continuing to push me, grabbing things off the counter.  tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks.  he was hurting.  i couldn't help.  i couldn't fix him.

we made it out to the front room where we had a little bit more space.  he continued to push us away with one hand and pull us closer with the other hand.  i realized it is exactly what i do to God.  i pull him close all the while pushing him away.  this was the moment that adoption being the gospel became real.  it's the moment that adoption became war (as russell moore calls it).  it was the moment that i realized the battle over titus heart.

after our big meltdown i was afraid to go back to the pool.  terrified that it was the trigger.  it makes no sense i know, but it was the last thing we did before he melted down.  but the next day,  titus & i were running around the complex, exploring the grounds & we happened upon the pool.  i tried not to get worried.  tried to simply ride it out.  he was so interested in the water again.  we put our feet in. {okay Jesus help my heart settle down}.  then he wanted to get in on the steps. {please Jesus not another meltdown.  i am all by myself.  who will hear my cries for help}.  so off with the shirt.  and onto the steps. {oh yeah.  you hear my cries Jesus.  let this be healing for titus}.  he repeatedly threw water over him. {he's yours not mine anyway}.

my heart wanted deeply to allow that water to be healing.  to cleanse him of all that he has seen.  the harsh reality of living on the streets.  the fights he has had for his life.  for food.  for survival.  i wanted it to wash away his fear.  to cleanse his soul.  the splashing of the water seemed so symbolic.  it caused me to beg for healing.

i knew that the water alone could not do that, so as he continually splashed, i continually prayed that God would...

wash away hard memories.
wash away fears.
heal his broken heart.
bring comfort.
give trust.
give love.
simply heal.

i cried.
& captured the sweetness of the moment.
i kept telling him... don't worry buddy... JESUS WINS.

here are some of my most precious pictures from our trip.

titus gary clement roughton... JESUS WINS.  he will create new in you.  he will heal you.  he will bless you.  he will wipe way your fears.  he will love you.  we will love you.  forever.  welcome to our little family buddy.